


gummy seahorses

by spinnerofyarns



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Ace Spectrum Characters, Gen, M/M, Road Trip, Trans Character, gender feelings, impulsive teenagers, lots of cuddling and smooching, somewhere between friends and boyfriends, trans Richard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-08-14 00:36:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7992118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spinnerofyarns/pseuds/spinnerofyarns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Richard wasn’t gay.<br/>At least he didn’t think he was.<br/>But he didn’t think he was straight either. He didn’t think he was attracted to anyone at all, really. Was there a word for that? None-sexual, maybe?<br/>Whatever he was, he knew that making out and cuddling with Nelson was nice, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to go beyond that. </p><p>(Teenage Richard and Bighead go on a road trip together and have Deep Conversations about gender and their lives and their relationship; Richard comes to terms with his gender and his sexuality; everything is adorable)<br/>For SV Niche Weekend on Tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	gummy seahorses

          Richard hadn’t expected Bighead to go along with the idea as willingly as he had, but here they were on a Friday night, making out on the couch in Bighead’s basement with an old rerun of _Star Trek_ playing in the background. And this wasn’t even the first time it had happened.

          Originally, Richard had been half-joking when he’d said “Hey, do you want to make out? You know, practice, in case we ever work up the nerve to ask actual girls on actual dates?” about an hour into _Pulp Fiction_.

          Bighead had shrugged. “Sure, I guess. This movie isn’t that great anyway.”

          Richard had taken a deep breath, fidgeting with the string on his hoodie, and then all at once, before he could wimp out, he had leaned over and kissed his best friend right on the mouth.

          And everything had sort of snowballed from there, and now almost a month later here he was on the couch, with Bighead sort of kind of straddling him and trying to leave a hickey on his neck.

          “Trying” being the operative word.

          “ _Jesus_ , Bighead, you’re doing it all wrong, you’re not supposed to be _biting_ , here, let me show you again.” He pulled himself into a half-sitting position, holding onto Bighead and sucking intently on the soft skin of his best friend’s neck. “ _That’s_ how you do it,” he said, coming up for air. “Not like some sort of drunk vampire, what the fuck even _was_ that?”

          “I don’t know,” Bighead groaned as Richard dropped back into his previous reclining position. “It’s like my brain and my mouth are doing two completely different things.” He rolled onto his side, resting his head on Richard’s chest. “Is this okay?”

          “Mm? Yeah, it’s fine,” Richard said, absentmindedly carding his fingers through Nelson’s soft hair.

          Nelson could feel the bandages under Richard’s hoodie keeping his chest flattened. “Can you even breathe in these?” he asked.

          “Mostly, yeah,” Richard answered. “I know it’s super unsafe but…a real binder costs like 50 dollars and my parents would see it in the mail and…” Richard trailed off, biting his lip.

          “You could ship it to my house,” Nelson offered, propping himself up on his elbow to look at Richard. “And then like…hide it in your locker at school or something.”

          “Maybe. But I’ve only got a year left of high school so I might as well just tough it out till college.”

          “Richard,” Bighead said, a concerned note in his voice. “You could permanently damage your ribs. Or your lungs. I’m getting you a binder for your birthday.”

          Richard sighed. “Fine. Also hey can you move so I can take these off? I’m not really supposed to wear them for more than 8 hours a day.”

          “Yeah, sure, no problem.” Nelson moved aside to let Richard get up, then turned to face the back of the couch while Richard undressed.

          After a few minutes, Richard called, “Okay, you can look again,” and Bighead turned around in time to see him pull his T-shirt back on. Richard placed his neatly folded hoodie on top of his backpack before coming back to the couch and lying down next to Bighead again.

          Nelson pulled him a little closer, putting an arm around his slim waist, and gave him a kiss. Not a wet sloppy making-out kiss, but a gentle soft peck on the lips. A _real_ kiss.

          “Aren’t you worried your mom will – “

          Nelson shook his head. “The door locks from this side, remember?”

          Richard snuggled closer to him. “Okay,” he said, lazily.

\----

            Richard wasn’t gay.

            At least he didn’t think he was.

            But he didn’t think he was straight either. He didn’t think he was attracted to anyone at all, really. Was there a word for that? None-sexual, maybe?

            Whatever he was, he knew that making out and cuddling with Nelson was nice, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to go beyond that.

\----

            If anyone asked Nelson about his sexuality, he’d usually respond with confused faces and vague hand gestures. If pressed, he’d say “I don’t know? I like cute girls and I like cute guys. I like cute people. Maybe I’m cute-sexual. Fuck if I know.”

            He didn’t think of Richard in a sexual way at all. They were just…something between friends and boyfriends. Something that involved a lot of making out.

            Something he really liked.

\----

            In over a decade of knowing Richard, Nelson had seen – and often helped – his best friend do some strange things. But nothing Richard had ever done could match the weirdness of him showing up at Nelson’s house at 8 AM on a Saturday in his decrepit old car (nicknamed The Starship Genderprise).

            “Get in, asshole!” Richard said. “We’re going to boldly go.”

            “Where?” It was way too early in the morning for any reasonable human to be awake. Case in point, Nelson was still in his pajamas.

            “Vegas. LA. The end of the world. Somewhere. Nowhere. Everywhere. I don’t know, I just need to get out of here.”

            “Richard, are you _high_?” Nelson knew Richard would never drive high, but this didn’t seem like the Richard he knew.

            “No, I just haven’t slept in 48 hours and all I had for breakfast was Red Bull. Come on let’s go!!”

            Nelson sighed. Richard’s Red Bull high would probably wear off before they got too far, and a road trip could be fun. “Okay. Give me 5 minutes, I gotta pack.”

            When he got back, Richard was jittery and on the verge of tears. Nelson threw his bag into the backseat and slid into the front passenger seat next to him. “Richard, what’s wrong? Did your parents – “

            “No. No, I haven’t come out yet. I want to, but I’m fucking terrified. I just need to get out of this place and get some space to think before school starts,” Richard’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel and he stared straight ahead as he pulled out of Nelson’s driveway and drove down his street towards the highway. “I want to come out. I think if I have to keep living as a girl, keep hearing my birth name all the time…I think I’ll kill myself.”

            Bighead put his hand on Richard’s shoulder. “Please don’t,” he said, not knowing what else to say, then added “I’d miss you.” Then, in an attempt to distract Richard, “So where are we going?”

            “San Francisco,” Richard said, merging onto the highway. “I decided while I was waiting.” He took a deep, shaky breath.

            “But that’s hours away. Days, even.” Bighead said.

            “It’s 25 hours. If we spread it over a couple days we should still make it home a few days before school starts.” Richard shrugged.

            “Are you sure you’re okay to drive?” Nelson asked, his hand still on Richard’s shoulder.

            “Yeah. I need to. Driving calms me down, you know that.”

            “Okay. Is there anything you want me to do?” Bighead asked, removing his hand from Richard’s shoulder.

            “Yeah. You know where my CDs are, right?”

            “Yep.”

            “Find something we can listen to? The radio sucks.”

            Nelson twisted around to reach the backseat and grab Richard’s CD case.

            “Okay, first of all, your music sucks,” he said, flipping through the CDs, “but we already knew that. Scale of 1 to 10, how screamy do you want your emo bullshit?”

            Richard thought for a moment. “About a 7.”

            “Relient K it is.” Bighead said, pulling out a CD.

            “Fast forward to ‘Be My Escape’ and turn the sound up, then,” Richard said, rolling down his window. “I want an excuse to scream.”

\----

            They stopped at a gas station about halfway to the Texas border to fuel up and use the bathroom.

            “I’m getting a soda,” Nelson said. “Do you want anything?”

            “Yeah, get me a Red Bull, would you?” Richard said, struggling with the pump. Then, after a moment’s pause, “And a pack of cigarettes, if they give you one without carding you.”

            Nelson raised his eyebrows. “You don’t smoke.”

            “I don’t smoke _yet_.”

            “Richard I’m not going to let you destroy your lungs.” Nelson looked at him with concern.

            “Fine.” Richard sighed. “Just the Red Bull.”

            In the store, Nelson decided to get a snack for Richard as well, since he’d skipped breakfast. When he came back out, holding their drinks and a bag of chips, Richard was sitting in the car waiting for him. Nelson slid into the passenger seat and passed him the Red Bull and chips.

            “Thanks,” Richard said, cracking open the energy drink and taking several large gulps.

            Nelson placed his soda in the cup holder. “Richard, are you sure you don’t want to take a break and let me drive for a bit?”

            Richard drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “I’m fine,” he said.

            Nelson took Richard’s right hand in his left, interlacing their fingers. “You sure?” he asked softly, bringing Richard’s hand to his lips and gently kissing his bony knuckles.

            Richard bit his lip. “No,” he admitted in a small voice. “No, I’m not.”  

            Nelson reached over and put his free arm around Richard’s shoulders. “Do you want me to drive so you can take a break?” he asked again.

            Richard nodded shakily.

            “Okay,” Nelson said. They both got out of the car and switched seats.

            “Thanks,” Richard said quietly, ripping open the bag of chips.

            “No problem,” Nelson said. “And I don’t think you should have any more of this today,” he added, picking up the can of Red Bull and drinking the rest of it in one gulp.

\----

            They stopped for dinner at a nondescript diner somewhere in New Mexico. Bighead devoured his meal and a good third of Richard’s fries while Richard picked gloomily at his burger.

            “What’s wrong?” Nelson asked.

            Richard shrugged. “I don’t know. I just feel…scared, I guess. Of what’s going to happen when I get home, when I come out to my parents.”

            Nelson reached across the table and grabbed Richard’s hand. “Richard, your parents are literally the nicest most loving people I know. They won’t screw you over, and if they do you can always move in with me.”

            Richard smiled a little at this. “Thanks, Bighead,” he said. “Knew I could count on you.”

            Bighead squeezed Richard’s hand and stole another fry from his plate. “That’s what friends are for, man. Now eat, you’ve barely touched your food.”

            Richard picked up his burger and took a bite.

\----

            They found a motel that had a vacancy just a few blocks from the diner and decided to stay there for the night.

            “We’ve only got a few rooms left and they all have king beds, is that okay for you boys?” the lady at the front desk asked.

            Richard felt a surge of pride in his chest when she said “boys” – he was never quite sure how well he passed.

            “Yeah, sure,” Bighead said.

            “All right then, let me show you to your room.”

            The room was about average by motel standards – not disgusting, but Richard’s germaphobia would have him sleeping on top of the sheets that night. He showered first, and when he came back out in a sports bra and boxers under a loose oversized hoodie, Bighead was on the bed flipping through the TV channels.

            Richard lay down next to him and watched him for a minute, just thinking.

            “You okay?” Bighead asked, reaching to pull Richard into a hug.

            “Yeah, I guess,” Richard said. “I just…what are we?”

            Bighead furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”

            “I mean…what is this? Our relationship? Are we boyfriends? Friends with benefits? Just friends? Makeout buddies? What’s happening here?” Richard propped himself up on his elbow and looked Bighead straight in the eyes – big dark eyes like a confused baby deer.

            Bighead made a noise that was approximately the verbal equivalent of a shrug. “I dunno, man, but if it’s making you uncomfortable I can totally stop. I’ll take the floor tonight if you want,” he said, moving to get out of bed.

            “No,” Richard said. “No. Stay. This is nice. It’s just…you know me. I need everything to have a nice neat label and I know it drives you nuts but my brain just works better that way, so…” He trailed off, realizing that he was dangerously close to rambling again.

            Bighead wrapped an arm around Richard’s waist. “Well,” he said, “we could be boyfriends, if you want…I guess…I don’t know, this can be whatever you want it to be.”

            “I’m not gay,” Richard said. “Or…or maybe I am. Or maybe I’m bi or whatever, I don’t know. I’ve never really felt attracted to anyone, at least not in the way I’m supposed to be. Like, I love you more than anyone else, and I can totally see myself spending the rest of my life with you, but…not in a sex-marriage-2.5-kids-and-a-picket-fence kind of way, you know? And like…I’ve never looked at anyone and thought ‘I’d tap that’, I don’t even know what that feels like. Maybe I’m fucking broken, I don’t know. But…this is nice. I like it, even if I don’t know what to call it.”

            Bighead gently kissed Richard on the cheek. “You’re not broken,” he said. “Or if you are then I am too cause I have no fucking idea what people mean when they call someone sexy. And like…I do _love_ people, and I love you and I kind of want to live with you for the rest of forever, which I know is weird and scary and we can talk about that later, but I just don’t feel like sex is a necessary part of a relationship, y’know?” He ran his hand through Richard’s soft curls, feeling him relax. “If that’s broken, we can be broken together.”

            Richard snuggled closer to Bighead. “Mm. Partners in broken-ness, then?”

            Bighead snorted. “That’s a little too emo, dude. How about cuddle buddies? I mean, we definitely do a lot of cuddling.”

            “That we do,” Richard said, kissing Bighead’s neck. “That we definitely do.”

            They fell asleep like that several hours later, wrapped around each other, and stayed in the same position until Richard woke up several hours later and untangled himself from Bighead to use the bathroom.

            Bighead, half-awake, mumbled something that sounded like “don’t leave.”

            “I just have to pee, I’ll be back in a second,” Richard whispered. “Go back to sleep.”

            Bighead mumbled something unintelligible and rolled over. When Richard got back, he was snoring, soft snuffling noises like a pug. Richard got into bed carefully, so as not to wake him, and drifted off to sleep with his head on Bighead’s chest, listening to those snuffling snores.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of feelings about Richard being trans and Bighead being a really good supportive loving friend to him when they were in high school (and afterwards).  
> This was originally going to be posted as one long thing but instead I broke it into chapters and will probably update it on Niche Weekends.
> 
> Also DO NOT BIND WITH ACE BANDAGES OR DUCT TAPE!!!!!! DO NOT!!!! IT'S REALLY BAD FOR YOUR BODY!!!!!!!! (I promise Richard will get a real binder later in the fic and stop being a Bad Example for young trans guys everywhere)


End file.
